Live To Tell

Often when I run, I take inspiration by the beauty and special landmarks of Ottawa to think about the world’s most pressing issues: AIDS in Africa, air pollution, women’s rights, accessibility for the disabled, third world debt, low voter turnout in parliamentary democracies, the conflict between the Palestinians and the Israelis, lack of physical activity among our youth, Canada’s relationship with the US and many other worthwhile causes. Today was no different. As I passed Parliament, the American embassy, the Terry Fox statue, and the tomb of the Unknown Soldier, I had an epiphany:

I think this whole Star Jones versus Barbara Walters brouhaha is just an attempt to increase ratings for The View/ABC as well as Star’s profile as she looks for work after getting canned.

Stronger

OK, somebody help me here.

First, the BS goes on national television to tell the world her and the Scrub are doing 'awesome' and with her country bumpkin look on high gear. TODAY, she's on the cover of Harper's Bazaar doing the Demi Moore (preggo and nude). And either that's some killer airbrushing, or the BS is stunningly pregnant and beautiful. I'm going to say it's a mix of both.

American Life

Jessica Simpson is officially on the hate list.

She released her new single 'Public Affair' on her MySpace and the opening is WAYYYY too familiar. Nevermind the diplomacy, it's a total 'Holiday' ripoff. And it's not even good!

As the 'Men on Film' from in Living Color used to say: 'HATED IT'

Witness other Jessica atrocities/rip-offs:

Take My Breath Away (ripped off from Berlin)
Angels (stolen from Robbie Williams)
These Boots Are Made for Walking (poor Nancy!)

If I were Robbie, Nancy or anyone affiliated with Top Gun, I'd kick her ass.

Where's the Party?

Here is my unabashedly biased review of the Madonna concert in Montreal. The set list was as follows:

"Future Lovers/I Feel Love"
"Get Together"
"Like A Virgin"
"Jump"
"Interlude: Dancer Confessions"
"Live to Tell"
"Forbidden Love"
"Isaac"
"Sorry"
"Like It Or Not"
"Interlude: Sorry remix"
"I Love New York"
"Ray of Light"
"Let It Will Be"
"Drowned World/Substitute For Love"
"Paradise (Not For Me)"
"Interlude: Music/Disco Inferno (Intro)"
"Music Inferno"
"You Thrill Me/Erotica"
"La Isla Bonita"
"Lucky Star"
"Hung Up"

OK, so the show opened up with this huge screen and all of these horses galloping. At this point I am screaming, “NO WAY!” over and over because I can’t belive I’m HERE and I’m going to see HER and like, my life can now END and I will die happy. Among the horses are images of a topless Madonna (as seen from the back) but she’s dressed in riding gear and has a whip in her mouth. The galloping sound was really loud, but that’s OK! I don’t need my ear drums until Canada Day anyway! What? Hello? I’m sorry, what did you say?!

Then, this massivmo disco ball comes down from the ceiling and it lands on stage and blossoms open and who is inside but –gasp!- Madonna! Who is wearing a black and leather outfit. The crowd is roaring as she sings ‘Future Lovers’ and ‘Get Together’ from her new album. It should be noted that Ms. Madge is NOT lip singing as you can hear her panting from dancing around and singing at the same time. YAY! No Milli Vanilli at the Bell Centre! And yes, I screamed, “NO MILLI VANILLI AT THE BELL CENTRE” really loud” Madonna then tries her hand at some français by declaring, “Mesdames et Monsieur, etes-vous prets pour le spectacle?”

The show continues with the horse theme as a saddle on a poll on the left hand side of the stage is erected (tee hee!) and Madonna mounts it and starts to gyrate to ‘Like a Virgin’. HOT.

Next, all of this jungle-gym type equipment is placed throughout the stage and the music of ‘Jump’ comes on and her dancers are doing some serious acrobatics on the stage. Madonna starts singing while climbing one of the jungle gyms and may I say her muscles are quite noticeable here. I am impressed because some of the skills that her dancers are doing are not easy, especially on a hard floor surface: standing front and back tucks, backhand springs, planches, back walkovers, and other aerial movements. I scream some more, ‘cause I’m here! It’s Madonna! Can you believe it?!?!

OK, so now Ms. Madge gets all serious. There are images of past dictators (all men, hmph) and current leaders being flashed on screen mixed in with images of the wars in Kosovo, Rwanda and Darfour. Madonna comes out on a cross and sings ‘Live to Tell’ while a screen above her cross counting up from the number 1 really fast. The images on the adjacent screens are now showing images of refugee camps and African children clearly malnourished on sick. When the song ends, the counting screen has stopped at the number ’12 million’ and there is a reminder that ’12 million kids will have died of AIDS by 2010” with a request to please visit clintonfoundation.com.

Forbidden Love was sang with two of her male dancers doing some intricate arm work trying to depict the whole ‘forbidden-ness’ of their obviously GAY GAY GAY love. Did someone forget to tell Madonna it was Pride Week and, like, it’s all good up here? Whatever! Who cares! It’s Madonna! S-C-R-E-A-M!

The next part was super awesome. Madonna brought out the actual Issac for ‘Issac” who sang the chanting part (I don’t think his name is Issac, but it’s definitely the same voice from the album) while she did the dance-y part. I am totally shaking my rump at this point because I love this song and just when I think I can’t shake it no mo’, she starts to sing ‘Sorry’ and when the song goes, “Don’t explain yourself ‘cause talk is cheap” she depicts images of Bush, Blair, Saddam, Castro, and other controversial world leaders. No pictures of Harper, ‘cause let’s face it, no one really cares.

More screaming- turned- shrieking ‘cause I’m so jazzed that I’m HERE and she’s THERE and it’s all oh so good right now!

Next was ‘Like It or Not” which I saw the half of because I had to run to the ladies from all that rump shaking and water drinking. Damn line-ups!

I came back to my seat and the screens are showing the skyline of New York and Madonna appears on stage in a new outfit and she is totally jamming an electric guitar to ‘I Love New York’ and doing a great job. The part that goes, "Just go to Texas, baby that's where they golf" is replaced with "Just go to Texas, and hang with George Bush". Um, no thanks!
At the end of the song she tactfully declares, “I may love New York, but I also love Montreal, we’ve been very well received here” much to the delight of the crowd. Recognize!

She then changes guitars and blasts ‘Ray of Light’ in a more rock and roll version which is OK, ‘cause ‘Ray of Light’ is one of my most favouritest Madonna songs ever and the part of ‘And I Feel! Like I just got home…” is really rock and roll and the background screens are just adding to all the psychedelicness of the song. I scream in appreciation!

After ‘Ray of Light’ (which is hard to top!), Madonna is still jamming out with her guitar to ‘Let It Will Be” and she’s clearly winding down for her next song, “Drowned World/Substitute For Love” which I sang along to really loud because these LOSERS in our row SAT DOWN which is so WRONG that I had to make up for their lack of commitment to the show. Who sits down at MADONNA?
At the end, Madonna thanked anyone who camped out for her tickets and was conversing with the people in the front row. I hated them already for having front row tickets and I hated them even more at that second and I still hate them right now. HATE!
Next was “Paradise” (Not for Me) which was also sung sitting down. Dude, just ‘cause Madonna sits down, doesn’t mean you follow. If you’re not going to stand, bow down!

It should be pointed out there were some amazing fabulous drag queens at the show. I mean, these ‘ladies’ went all out. Some did Madonna from the ‘cone’ bra era, some did the ‘Like a Virgin’ bridal gown era, others did the current leotard and hair flip look. I did sneaks, skirt and a tank top which is not really dedication but the place was sweltering (Madonna ordered all A/Cs to be shut off during her performances).

OK, so what happened next was just sick. SICK. The music to ‘Disco Inferno’ starts playing and then Madonna sings “Music” to that beat. Like think of ‘burn, baby burn, disco inferno!” to ‘Music, makes the people, come together, yea”. It’s hard to explain but she was dressed in a white tux and her dancers were on roller skates. HOT. Still screaming!

THEN, Madonna stripped off the top part of the tux to reveal a purple and white top with one sleeve and she starts with ‘La Isla Bonita’ with all of these island images on the screens. My enjoyment is put on pause slightly as I think of how desperately I need a vacation but to be honest, with the house and all I don’t think it will happen. Boo! to that but YAY! to Madonna! I scream on La Isla Montreal because I. Love. Her.

Keeping with the ‘disco’ theme Madonna and her dancers do a ‘disco’ version of ‘Erotic’ which near the end she puts on this cape that says, ‘Dancing Queen’ and when she opens her arms it flashes all sorts of colours. She then sings, “Lucky Star’ with her cape on, also more in a ‘disco’ beat. Makes everything all right!

Her last song is, of course, “Hung Up” which is basically all the same moves from her video and these HUGE clocks are being flashed on the screens. Time went by, so quickly as that was the end of the show. Those who had floor seats were lucky to get a ‘shower’ of disco ball balloons and Madonna and her dancers took one final bow before they were gone.

Overall, I give the show 10/10 but I’m super biased. My only complaint would have been the heat but like Madonna wants to hear any of it! Also, her souvenirs were outrageously expensive. Like, $75 for a shirt and $110 for a sweater. As if!

I want to give a huge shout-out to ‘Upper Club’ which hosted an awesome after party and the sweet staff of our B&B 'Aboslument Montréal' who helped nurse my hangover and gave me some special tea that helped me get my voice back. J’adore Montréal!

Vogue!

La Isla Montreal

OMG, the concert was INCREDIBLE. I will post more about my weekend later, but it was a seriously kick-ass show. EEEK! I love Madonna!

You Can Dance. For Inspriation.

I AM SO EXCITED!

I am off to see her Madge-esty perform in MONTREAL!

I love you all, but if you never hear from me again, it's because I've joined her tour as the person who plays the cowbell and fetches Kaballah water. EEEEEEEEEEIIIIIII!

Vogue, bitches, VOGUE!

Sweet Home Alabama

I apologize for my lack of posting..Panther and I are in the process of getting a new nest and I had no idea there was so much paperwork and overall b.s. involved in buying a home. It also cuts into my work and reality telelvision time, which is never, ever good.

By the way, I hate the Canada Mortgage and Housing Corporation. F*ck them up their stupid asses!

In other news, Tyrant Banks is profiled in Forbes, meaning the b!tch has benjamins and Jose Theodore hooked up with Paris Hilton after the MMVA's meaning Montreal Canadians fans are laughing at whatever STD he now must have...

~B

Ruby Tuesday

Ruby, Ruby, Ruby…

You’ve had quite the week, eh?

You were all over the media this week announcing you were shocked (shocked!) that the Tories would try to woo you to the dark side insisting that, ''I'm a lifelong Liberal and wouldn't even contemplate it. I don't think (the Conservatives) represent my values''.

Work it, girl.

I was so impressed by your talents for the talking points I paid a visit to your website, which, by the way, is snazzy with all that ‘whoosh!’-ing at the beginning, but the scroll bar thingy on the right hand side is kinda old school. Anyway, I can clearly see why the Tories would want you on their side. I mean, just look at this pic! This is you (Ruby) signing your oath at the House of Commons. AWW! You look super jazzed to be a Member of Parliament, like you can’t wait to take on your brazilliant Foreign Credential Recognition or whatever. Why was that engineer from Turkey driving me by cab to the bar on Saturday? This same guy claims he’s been here since 1999 and has tried repeatedly to get into mentorship program and can’t afford to go through school from the start and has 4 kids and…meh, nevermind.

What did kinda irk me, Rubes, is the title of your reply to the Conservative Budget that reads:

Dhalla Gives Conservative Government a Big Fat 'F' on their First Budget
May 2, 2006

Ouch.

Now, I understand your role in opposition is to oppose everything the government does, but the words ‘Big Fat’ makes me uncomfortable. See, by saying something is ‘Big Fat’ is bad, you're basically calling anything 'fat' as not good enough, harmful and that you don't agree with 'fat'. And while I totally agree that a ‘fat’ Canadian population is a strain on our health care system (trust me, I wrote my thesis on this, I could talk about politics and health for days), I just think it’s bad that someone who young Punjabi women, and women in general must look up to would use the word ‘fat’ in such a pejorative sense. Aren’t we supposed to encourage women of all sizes to love their bodies and accept their sexy curves? And judging from some of the pictures on your site Ruby, saying something you dislike is ‘Big Fat’ it’s a little like the pot calling the kettle black, wouldn’t you say?

Now don’t get all pissy, I have a too much junk in my trunk too, which also means I’ve been spending too much time on the treadmill and less time watching the Oilers much to the dismay of Panther, but I’m training for a half marathon and I have this pinching my right knee and my asthma is really bad lately but as a “doctor”, we can discuss my health issues at another date.

So listen, Rubes. I suggest you step away from the LPC talking points, and perhaps pick up The Beauty Myth, the Vagina Monologues, or a dumbbell. Or at least invest in some black clothes and some better editors for your press releases, mmkay?

Muchos Besos,
~B

I Guess This is Growing Up...

OK, so I just finished watching the Dateline interview with Matt Lauer and Britney Spears and I honestly can't tell you anything that was said because Brit had this huge clump of mascara on her right eye that was totally distracting. Doesn't she have make-up people who tell her these things?

Dear K-Fed, I hate you. Witness: Old Britney. Today Britney. GAAAA!

Beat of My Heart

Whoever this anchorwoman is, give her a raise.

Rock, Paper and Scissors is now a sanctioned sport? Ai yi yi!

Read Angelina Jolie's UNHCR diaries. No mention of Brad (or Jen!), but they are fascinating.

Henry Rollins writes a love letter to Ann Coulter. "My sweet fascist...where can it go from here?" HA!

Toni Braxton shows her appreciation for futbol.

Wow. Victoria Beckham's legs are the same size are her 1 year old son. Eat, damnit!

Do Re Mi

Absolutely 'Meh': The new Christina Crapilera song "Ain't No Other Man." I don't know much about vocal training, but Crapi always seems like she's trying too hard.

Absolutely garbage: The new Paris Hilton, "Stars are Blind". And the video is a total ripoff of "Wicked Game". BOO!

Give It Away

As many of you know, I am a 'hypenated' Canadian and on Monday I had an appointment at the embassy to renew my passport as it had expired. When I arrived I was buzzed in immediately and as I made my way through the gates there was a sign that read: "The embassy will not have regular hours starting June 9, 2006 due to World Cup football. If there is an emergency please call 911."

For reals?!

Universally Speaking

I found myself absorbed in all major newspapers this week trying to make sense of the recent arrests in Mississauga. While some analysis was super interesting (click on the video of Irshad Manji), I always find myself reverting back to an old favourite when trying to understand the behavours of impressionable teenage boys: Whatever happened to CRAZY?

Breaking the Girl

I'm REALLY digging Britney's new manny. He seems way more hands-on than K-Fed ever was. And he's kinda hot!
Next stop: divorce. YAY!
(I don't normally cheer for the breakdown of marriage, but I really think the BS is way better off without him)

TMZ has a preview of Paris Hilton's new single. Don't say I didn't warn you...

The smallest MmmmBob!-er gets hitched! Congrats Zac Hanson!

Like Mariah, I always find it most comfortable to wear my banana dress and stilettos to walk my dog.

Zach, Slater, Kelly, Screech and Co. should sue Brokeback by the Bell

I was looking through pictures of the MTV Movie Awards and I immediatly zeroed in on this. Jess? I know you love your dad, I love my dad! But seriously, Papa Joe is just creepy. He's ruining your "career" (whatever is left of it anyway). CUT THE UMBILLICAL CORD.

What Do You Do With The Mad That You Feel?

Ai mami!

The Internets have been buzzing all week with the daycare vs. stay-at-homes going at it like Joe Volpe with an underage pharmaceutical donation.

I will not venture into this debate, as my very formative years were spent in the basement of Mrs. Ostroff's house playing with my Legos and Barbies while she faithfully watched 'Days of Our Lives' and smoked unfiltered duMauriers. Anytime someone came to the door I had to answer it myself and tell whoever it was that she had died. Good times.

But my parents had to work. The whole 'stay home and enjoy the blessing that is the child' was not an option. They don't regret their decision and I don't resent them for it.

The only argument I will go to bat for is if you do breed, and you are of a certain income level, I should not have to pay for your sex trophy to get "Early Childhood Learning" or whatever it's called. One of the most well-adjusted, coolio, my kid is not a spoiled brat, parent I have ever met is indeed a single mummy and I have no idea if her kid was daycare or not.
(Okay, so we've never "met", met, but you know what I mean)

Can't all us women learn to get along? Do some of these women just need a hug?

BTW, I found this clip of Mr. Rogers testifying before Congress. There are no words!